a hunch

i know i can wait until i am a more polished, presentable version of my myself before i am open to love. i can do that. you can do that. we can all do that. and it is so tempting. so that we will have only photogenic memories. and stories.

but i have a hunch that at that point, when we are so presentable, and love comes after we have turned out successes, be it material, social, or even spiritual. and you say you can’t live without me. and where have i been this whole time. i have a hunch that i will be so hungry still. and there will be nothing you could say, or i could do, to satisfy that hunger.

i will be hungry for the type of love that grew out of the back alleyways of my dreams, of this city. when i got off the night shift of waiting tables, grease on my all too big and unflattering black shirt. spending a little too long in the bathroom just to put on the right lipstick, manager banging on the door for me to get out, before you show up on your bike. and have not a clue of an after hours place that you could afford with the little you have left over from the week. but still that doesn’t hurt your ego so much that you’d let go of me to preserve it, type of love.

the type of love that knows of no restaurant specials or complicated bar drinks. that chooses then to walk on the dirt road. into the unknown. conversations that we don’t remember the beginnings or the ends to.

the ‘i’ve never told this to anyone, but…” type of love

the “i’ll crawl into that pit to save you from the monsters–in your closet, in your head, between us” type of love

the “i’ll help you battle the cockroaches in your apartment, right before we make another grilled cheese” type of love

the “i’m not so experienced with this part of romance” type of love. but “i’ll help you feel it out with Death Cab for Cutie playing in the background” type of love

the “i need you so much closer” type love and not the “our therapist says we need to schedule in quality time to get closer” type love

the “your dreams are tattooed into my heart” type love. and “this is what we’re going to do when we get there” type of love.

 

 

 

 

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